2002

My brain is aching. Almost itching. Stupid skull stopping me from reaching in and tweaking what is so very clearly a mistake during my creation. This pulsing. All I’m hearing from myself is ‘relax!’. As I go ‘I’m trying!’. And I am. I’m laying in bed doing next to nothing. How am I stressing? I have it good. So good. But I want to be a child again. I want to ignore all those extra feelings I had and still have and swim in childish euphoria. Kept afloat by ignorance. I need to change who I’m around. I need to be with those who are still children in the best of ways, and ignore my mind pointing out everything problematic. I can’t fix those issues and they hurt my head. I feel everybody can find issue, or 5 issues, with almost anything that can happen. Especially these days. My instinct is to listen and do what I can. But for what? To open the gates to darkness?

I feel I’m dreaming true fantasy but it looks so good I’ve got to try and take it. Make it my life. If I could live with that feeling I have, I might just be everything I hoped I would be. False memories of times I’ve not experienced may just be from what I have not yet experienced. That would be some real magic.

So away with you, internet. And you, comment sections. And you, 24/7 communication. Give me people. Give me real people with something to say. Something to make me laugh. Something old school. Something 2002.

Don’t others want that too? Come find me.

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Take me as I can’t

I bite you then I bite myself. My skull is cracking under pressure. It has a river to release I think. I don’t know but I’m trying, trust me. The terminal illness that won’t kill me. It wants me to do the dirty work instead but I wised up to that young. It’s got me caught on a thousand hooks but one by one I’m pulling them out. I just wish it was faster. Each hook embedded in my skin, grown into the fibers. They’re one. As far as the eye can tell. A ten year tick relieving as anything, a real comfort, is really self assault. Being no being, seeing myself and feeling nothing. Unacceptable feelings. Who knew there was such a thing? It’s the choice of going against my nature, a malformed brain ill equipped for such a place. I knew it. I can’t tell you how I knew it. If I tell you I knew it it’s just my drive to be special right? One’s self awareness is only self satisfaction, especially in moments of brutal honesty, I’ve found. It’s a quick road to loneliness, but then really isn’t everything I do?

Connected

I remember reading that the branches of a tree are reaching out into the nutrients of the air. As if they were the roots of the sky. After reading this I looked outside and realised that nothing had ever seemed more beautiful to me than a leafless tree did in that moment. That was until I truly connected with the world around me in a way more profound than I could ever describe. Nothing before had made me feel so much love for the plants and animals that I had taken for granted for 20 years. Nothing showed me my place as a child of the world. Nothing but a change in diet.

It would have sounded stupid to me months back if I thought that what I put into my body affected my fundamental humanity. Maybe it sounds stupid to you. But I realised that the world is filled with systems that we have completely detached ourselves from. We were created in a system, grew and decided that we were too good to remain in it. We cannot expect a life of peace when we are fighting against the very foundations of our development. True nature is not something we can get back to as a species. There is too much damage that will only be fixed if we were to disappear. But we can try our best to cause little damage whilst we are here.

I’d like to think that’s the mind-set of most people and it’s a shame that many think it impossible to live a compassionate life and that it’s fruitless to try. But although we may never be 100% who we’d like, we can still act the way we’d choose the world to be. Which is why I decided to live in accordance with my morals. I realised that any pain suffered by anyone or anything is pain suffered by myself. Any damage caused that I could have worked to prevent, is damage caused by myself. I realised that every dog, pig or cow I’d ever come across had filled me with joy and I’d never consent to their deaths or suffering. But it hadn’t occurred to me that that’s what I’d done my whole life buying products created from their bodies. It was only after realising that I never had to consent to it again that my mind felt lighter than air and I felt happier than I thought possible.

It was later that I realised eating the food our bodies are designed for allows you to become a rich and natural version of yourself. By no longer hiding behind ‘free-range’ product labels I was able to appreciate life for the first time. To be born without freedom is despicable and to be born with a bounty on your head is unforgivable. To ignore the plight of others is to ignore your humanity. Get connected. Live and let live, truly.

Lettuce and misanthropy

Preaching is traditionally associated with religious types seeking to dispel their truth upon the masses, to aid conversion and to spread the word. They want people on side, and they won’t take no for an answer. It is not really all that shocking that the word is used, with all irritating, unwanted and frankly shitty connotations, to describe and belittle other groups of people looking to spread a message. Today the targets are animal rights activists, ethical vegans, lettuce munchers, those fuckers, whatever you wish to call them. However there is a major difference between religious preachers and those trying to spread a message of peace and of non-violence towards non-human animals. That is this, those who tell you that the wool, meat and eggs you buy come from an industry based on animal exploitation, suffering and death, are not doing so for your own deliverance. They don’t want you to jump on the bandwagon to feel good, do good and get through the pearly gates. They are telling you for one reason – they want the suffering to stop.

It is not a cult. Animal rights activists don’t have a uniform, hold ceremonies or have a Jesus-like figure whom they worship. They are not seeking for world enlightenment so that the gates of holiness open wide to let in man, woman and everyone in between. They aren’t asking you to bend over and spread your cheeks to be fucked up the ass by their superiority. They are asking you to consider maybe living an existence that attempts to minimise destruction. That is, destruction of ecosystems, morals, health and of course, life.

Unfortunately these ‘inflammatory’ words are likely helping people to close their eyes and ears and to brand those looking for this peace as extreme and high on anthropomorphism. But these terms are only inflammatory when used in conjunction with creatures that many think are beneath humanity, some think are incapable of suffering and others don’t think of at all. And unfortunately we have developed way past our means and created things we never thought we needed, leaving our morals dragging in the dirt behind us. We can’t ignore the appeal of the aesthetic, the desire to live a hedonistic life filled with all the pleasure one can imagine. But no-ones fantasies of decadence will ever come true if just out of earshot there’s a poor creature screaming. We all know it’s there and we can’t continue sucking each other’s dicks until we stop shoving our fists in the arses of cows.

THE GOD DELUSION II

THE GOD DELUSION – Richard Dawkins

“Atheists need to raise their own consciousness of the anomaly: religious opinion is the one kind of parental opinion that – by almost universal consent – can be fastened upon children who are, in truth, too young to know what their opinion really is”

“Of course, dyed-in-the-wool faith-heads are immune to argument, their resistance built up over years of childhood indoctrination using methods that took centuries mature.”

For any of you who have read these quotes and agreed with them, I would like to ask you- is this not the same type of indoctrination we force upon children in regards to their treatment of the animals of the world?

Is not parental opinion forced upon their young? Are children not forced into a world that teaches them to love and nurture animals whilst also confining, mistreating and killing them? Are children really able to decide whether they want to be a part of this? This resistance to changing their views comes to the fore when they become adults and I attempt to talk to them and ask them ‘why would you do anything to save a helpless animal but will purchase a hamburger without a thought for the life that was taken for it?’

Years of indoctrination, beginning in infancy when their parents dictate their diet and tell them nothing of where it is from and show them nothing of the process, and continuing daily in the form of advertising sometimes even implying that the animal is happy to be eaten, is the reason individuals find it so difficult to embrace change.

This is the same type of indoctrination that ‘religious children’ are exposed to and that you find unacceptable. I ask you, why do you prefer to be kept in the dark? Are you open to change? Even a little? For the sake of your children?

THE GOD DELUSION

RICHARD DAWKINS – THE GOD DELUSION
“Admittedly, people of a theological bent are often chronically incapable of distinguishing what is true from what they’d like to be true.”

He continues by addressing the problem of evil and the many ways in which believers explain away this hole in their God-shaped comfort blanket.

“Simply postulate a nasty god – such as the one who stalks every page of the Old Testament. Or, if you don’t like that, invent a separate evil god, call him Satan, and blame his cosmic battle against the good god for the evil in the world.”

I see no greater parallel than the one between the religious individuals of the world, and the ‘omnivores’ of the world. Nothing will break their belief that you can both love animals, and also pay people to confine, mistreat and kill them. They will come up with the craziest justifications for their behaviour and will point to minor groups, rare occurrences and simple nonsense (saying that by buying food from a supermarket, I am just as bad as those paying directly for animal products which necessarily rely on the confinement and deaths of innocent animals) in order to back up their life choices. They will spout a range of beliefs that are all entirely unfounded and won’t listen when I provide evidence to the contrary. It becomes difficult for them to distinguish what is true (that animals are confined, often mistreated and killed) with what they would like to be true (the animals they eat come from a land of sunshine and rainbows where they only die willingly, or of natural causes, and never come to any harm under a human hand). It is as if I am talking to someone with a deeply entrenched religious belief that they simply cannot bring themselves to leave behind. The only difference is that the beliefs of an omnivore lead millions of innocent creatures to their deaths, and the only reason I will talk to you about this subject is to save their lives, not yours.

“Theologians can be found buying into all these rationalizations.” If only he knew the vast stupidity I have come across whilst dealing with omnivores and their rationalisations, perhaps his book would have been called The Meat Delusion instead.

About fucking

The mind wanders and you become a poet. You’re dark, full of despair, and you’re looking for people to understand and admire how fucked up you are. Or it’s the hopelessness, an aim at redemption that you’ll never get. You’re heart broken, alone, sad, whatever. Nobody wants to hear about happiness. At least not past the age of 10 and not unless it involves fucking.

What if you’re the problem? What if you know you’re the problem but you enjoy the scope pain gives you to say things with meaning. With feeling. If you know you’re the problem but you like it, is that a problem worthy of philosophy? Or does that only give freedom to self deprecation? Nobody wants to hear others feeling sorry for themselves. Hell, people rarely wanna hear about anything unless it involves fucking.

As if fucking brings something profound to the party. Or at least as if it brings more to the party than gonorrhoea. Maybe it fucking does and I’ve missed a beat. Maybe the beat missed me when it was too busy fucking someone else.